The Bright Side

Last week: 274
This week: 272
Lost: 2 lbs.
Total loss: 45 lbs.

It occurred to me that I've posted a lot of negative, dramatic stuff. I don't want you guys to think we live this life of doom and gloom. Far from it. Now, to be honest, I have always been a glass half empty kind of girl. I try hard not to be but I am a worrier by nature and it's hard to knock that shit off.

Despite all of the sucky things that have happened over the last four or five years, life is good.

My husband is alive and kicking.

My kids are healthy (other than the cp thing), happy, smart, funny, awesome people.

We laugh a lot. Sometimes we laugh at something and it upsets someone in a "How can you laugh about that?" kind of way. Oh honey, we laugh because it's so much better than crying. I would rather piss myself laughing than have crysnot on my face.

I have a couple of unbelievably good friends in real life.

I've connected with an awesome tribe in computer life.

I will be finishing college with no mother fucking student debt!

Our savings have been completely demolished but our bills are getting paid.

When an unexpected expense crops up (tv frying, losing a fridge of food, losing time at work because of the storm) an unexpected solution appears (someone sent us an anonymous cashier's check for $200 and another anonymous someone sent us a grocery gift card, anonymous because they know we wouldn't have taken it. See what I mean about unbelievably good friends?)

Sometimes I post the crappy stuff just to help get it out of my system. My husband has enough on his plate without having to deal with my angst. I just wanted you to know some of the good stuff. My life is good. Has it gone the way I wanted? No but I'm a tough, adaptable chick and I'll make this life my bitch.

God Forbid Life Should Be Calm

My nine year old has always had some motor skill issues. She walked late, she's not very co-ordinated, she had a tough time learning to hold a pencil and write, stuff like that. The doctor, Kenny and I have taken a wait and see approach. We tried to get her occupational therapy through school but after fighting and jumping through many hoops, she was denied. Well, if we wanted to have her classified and put in special ed then they would have given it to her. She doesn't need special ed for curriculum work, she does just fine with that (Honor Roll fine). It was extremely frustrating. We got her some private OT to help with the learning to write stuff.

Then, and this is why I won't get Mother of the Year, Ken got cancer and everything else took a back seat to that. Yeah, not thrilled to admit it but we pretty much forgot all about her issues. She's happy, doing well in school, has friends, activities- just a normal nine year old. It was easy to forget about it. Except she trips over thin air and can't ride a bike no matter how much she tries.

Tuesday she had her well kid visit. Long story short, her doctor thinks she may have a mild case of cerebral palsy. We had to schedule  neuro evaluations and physical therapy evaluations. Those appointments are at the end of February and the end of March.

Did I mention our COBRA insurance runs out on January 8?  I had been thinking "Ok, we'll buy our own insurance. We're already paying $1200/month for COBRA so no big deal". Just got some quotes for insurance. The cost of buying our own insurance is much higher than what we pay for COBRA. Like $3000 for a family policy of crappy insurance. IF Kenny can even get insurance. I wasn't expecting that. Don't know why I thought an individual family would get the same rates as the big corporation my husband used to work for gets. I just wasn't thinking.

More heavily on  my mind is: how did my not paying attention to her problems affect the potential outcome? Is my delay going to make any treatments or therapies either ineffective or less effective? Basically, did I just royally fuck up my kid? I cannot even explain how awful I feel and how worried I am. It's an actual physical feeling in my chest. Holy fuck, can things please go fucking right for this kid?

Thanksgiving (Late Edition)

I had a lovely almost totally computer free weekend.

Thanksgiving was nice. I didn't kill my mother or any of my brothers so- success! Eating was good. Not Whole 30 because I did eat stuffing (but not much, it was too salty).

I weighed on Friday. I lost four pounds! You can lose weight I did go to a few stores. I actually detest shopping on a normal day so Black Friday is like torture for me. Our tv was fried during Sandy and the repairman quoted $198 to fix it. So not worth it. A neighbor lent us a tv but we didn't want to keep it too long. My oldest works at the store with the red bullseye logo and they give their employees a decent discount. She was home from college and unfortunately for me, Black Friday was the day she could go with me. We got to the store around 7:30 Friday morning and it was... empty! It looked like any other day. We got the tv and a few other things and walked right up to a register when we were ready to check out.

Had a mommy and daughter day on Saturday. My four year old actually called it that- mommy/daughter day. That kid is too much. We watched The Lorax. It was cute. Then we watched Tangled. Well, they did. I watched my eyelids for a little while.

Sunday was catch up on laundry, cleaning and general household nonsense. Now I am at work and ready to bang my head on the desk at the idiocy of the man I work for. Pretty much back to normal.

Hope you all had a great holiday.

Begin Again

I've basically been wallowing in shit the last few weeks. I'm not going to get into it all because I just don't want to go there right now. Suffice it to say between the storm, husband getting sick after storm, money, job, school, and assorted other shit my head has been firmly up my ass. I have eaten everything. Yes, everything.

I weighed 278 this morning. I gained back 22 pounds. I did not want to write this. I wanted to hide and "wait for 218" before showing you guys. Then I remembered I want no bullshit. If I can't be honest, especially with myself, then what the fuck is the point?

In the last three or four days I've read some things that have really smacked me upside the head. Jane, Norma, Jenn, Plum Petals, Leah, RaeRae, everyone over at the No Bullshit Zone reminded me this is not what I want.

So there it is. Begin again.

Nor'easter

We still do not have power. And now we have a nor'easter coming our way.

My neighbor got a robocall last night saying we have to evacuate by 6:00 tonight. I didn't get the call because my phone is through Comcast so no power = no phone. I called the police station for confirmation. When I told the cop we've never flooded he said it is up to us if we leave. We are a few long blocks from the river and it would have to rise even higher than it did during the hurricane to get to us.

I'll bring the girls to my parent's or brother's and go back and put stuff up high just in case.

I have a headache.

Little House on the Jersey Shore

I'm at my office charging things and updating family via Facebook. Jenn emailed me so I want to give you a quick update.

My house has no power, no phones, only spotty cell service. But our house is still standing and we are alive and unhurt.

I live in Ocean County, NJ. On the same road as the Mantoloking Bridge. Google it if you want to cry.

I hope my blog bitches in the area are ok.